image by Spotmatik Ltd./Shutterstock
Not only can early trauma inform how we develop core beliefs, but even after understanding and knowing about trauma and its effects on us, sometimes we get gobsmacked by feelings that come unbidden seemingly out of nowhere.
One client I had had been severely sexually abused for a long period of time as a child, and old feelings of fear and dissociation would come up when she would visit any member of her family even though the perpetrator, a step-father, was long gone. She didn’t want to reject her siblings because of her reaction to being around them, so she would prepare herself in advance for the visits knowing that they would be stressful for her. Preparing in advance would help mitigate the feelings that would come up during these visits, but it took some time in therapy to realize that the feelings she was having in the present while visiting her siblings really had to do with the past.
Sometimes it’s challenging to convince a client that “now” is not “then,” and particularly in cases of CPTSD time seems to telescope and past becomes present.
I had my share of trauma as a young child with a bipolar father who could go from raging to loving in a matter of minutes, and I could seldom figure out what I’d done to arouse his anger in order to avoid being hit and yelled at.
One instance of a particular trauma, however, was pre-verbal, when I was an infant sleeping in my crib. My mother would later tell the story to me (there being no way I could have remembered it) being proud of how she “solved” the problem, not realizing how inadequate and exacerbating her “solution” was.
As the story goes, I had kicked my blankets off in my sleep. My father, being mentally ill and undiagnosed decided that I’d kicked the blankets off to spite him, and he spanked me, an infant, as I slept. I can only imagine the terror I must have felt, and my mother in telling me the story later would brag about how she came up with the “perfect” solution: she got large safety pins and pinned my blankets down so I couldn’t kick them off.
Now this story is so wrong on so many different levels. First is the obvious: my father hitting me. I don’t have to go into what kind of thought disorder someone must have to entertain the notion that an infant can not only plot to “spite” her father, but that she can plan to do it in her sleep! But my mother, instead of putting her foot down and telling my father that he must never, ever do anything like that at all again, in a very circumscribed way supported his belief by her large safety pin solution. Which probably contributed to a certain degree of claustrophobia I’ve had throughout my life.
Of course, this trauma took place during Erik Erikson’s first stage of development, “Trust vs. mistrust.” It’s pretty obvious what I’ve had to work on in my years of therapy. As well as ongoing trauma throughout my childhood.
So. What is being “triggered.” Recently I had to go to the ER for something that turned out to be minor, but while waiting for some test results I was on a gurney in a hallway. I was relaxed, almost dozing, listening to a guided meditation on my iPhone, encouraging me to “relax, just let go, etc.” Suddenly I was jolted awake in fear! Feelings of not being safe flooded me, and all I wanted to do was jump off the gurney and run out of the hospital! Then I realized: I’d been triggered. With the soft soothing voice of someone telling me to “relax” and “let go” I suddenly felt like I was being lured into feeling safe when, in “reality,” I was not safe at all. It was a trap!
It took some serious self-talk before I could convince my body that “now” is not “then.” Time conflated and the feelings of danger were overwhelming.
I know that the volume has been turned down on the effects of my early trauma, thanks to good long term therapy. But every now and then, something will sneak up on me and I’m “back there” again in spite of many years separating “now” from “then.”